06.04.06
As someone pointed out on a post yesterday, I do in fact own a pair of Pumas, a brand that only days ago I suggested was the all-time worst sportswear brand ever. And yes, I had my Mother customise them with some Burberry cloth. This, I must say, was at the height of my brand madness in 2001. Sufficed to say, I will not be losing sleep when these go on the fire.
The banter that has since ensued around the Puma comment just goes to prove how subjective and utterly meaningless the tribal values we place on brands are. Some of my best friends, it transpires own Pumas. But for a bit of fun, I thought I'd list a selection of current branded pet hates. I'd be grateful if you'd post some of your own.
Virgin:
The youthful, entrepreneurial vigour, the 'funky' ad campaigns, the trustful cosiness of bearded Branson. It's all too try-hard, and the products never live up to the promise… the cola, the vodka, the trains, the mobile, the credit card… need I say more?
Odeon Cinemas:
Monopolised the British cinema market, killed off 'pikey Mondays' (cheap tickets all-day Monday), overcharge on food (£2.50 for a bottle of water), toe the Hollywood line, and still market themselves as the cinemas for 'those that love film'.
Boxfresh:
Entry-level street wear for office execs, too frightened of middle age to let go of their youth. With the unfortunate strap line 'We Are You'.
Stella Artois:
The cut-price aggressive lager of choice for hooligans the country over, yet the company's still peddling the old 'Reassuringly Expensive' line. What fun it would be to replace the fancy cinematic ads with CCTV footage of Bromley High Street on a Saturday night.
Tesco:
Every Little Helps. As a traditional Sainsbury's man, the dominance of Tesco in the UK is constant kick in the teeth. Their sub-brands (Value, Finest, FreeFrom) are meaningless. It's all mass-produced rubbish.
The list is long, personal and invariably pointless so I will stop there.
Saturday is the day I destroy my Blackberry, in a token test run before the real event in August. Tom Hodgekinson (editor of The Idler) recently commented in the Guardian on the way technology companies use the beauty of nature to peddle their instruments of torture and pain. Ignoring the warning, I bought into Blackberry thinking I would be transformed into a progressive, go-getting social and industrial player. In reality however it actually turned me into an object of sympathetic amusement. On an idyllic deserted beach in India, my holiday mates looked on in wonder as I staggered about in the blazing sun, attempting to get some signal on the damn thing. Standing on a hilltop in Goa, I ignored the magnificent sunset, to answer yet another pointless email:
Message: We need to talk. When are you back from holiday?
Reply: Can't talk now, I'm on holiday.
Pathetic. I'll be pleased to rid myself of the thing once and for all.
14 Comments:
Odeon's strapline is "Fanatical About Film".
Why are they merely Fanatical About Film? Why not ‘Obsessive about Film'?
'So obsessed about film we sit in an armchair all night sharpening a knife in case it cheats on us.’ Not bad, but it needs something snappier. Why not simply, ‘Degrading ourselves for you’? I'd like to see that on every little fucking white sign above every shop in every provincial shit hole: no more, 'committed to quality'; from now on, I want motivational signs that read ‘Wasting our lives embodying a value rendered meaningless by its ubiquity FOR YOU.”
I’d buy. First in the fucking queue.
Yes, if the aspirations or ideals these people were flogging were a litle closer to reality, we might not be needing to have this conversation. Today's marketing practices are so emotive, they plunder so many basic emotions that we left feeling numb. A little honesty would go a long way.
My favourite ads on tv these days are the bog standard detergent and household products. Ronseal is the king of this particular castle with the immortal line 'Does exactly what it says on the tin'.
No more having favourite ads either. How are you going to cope with that?
fair point. though one step at a time, please.
any top five reviled brands then???
1: Marks And Spencers
"This is not just any rubber glove. It is a hand-stitched Indian rubber glove, smeared in the finest organic petroleum jelly then gently inserted up your arse"
2: Stella Artois
I heard the other day that a weaker version of Stella is going to be marketed, with the working title of Son Of Stella. May I suggest, "Kidbeater"?
I hate the faux french sophistication, especially since no-one still regards the French as sophisticated, just a bunch of segregationist, racist bourgeois bores with an ossifying cultural establishment.
3: Miu Miu
Urban minimalist? Cunt, mate, absolute cunt.
4: Julius The Monkey
Soccer mom grinning idiot brand, still hawking around james Lavelle's monkey fetish ten years after he last darkened a skateboard.
5: That WKD alco-pop
Is WKD txt-speak for "wankered"? that advert with the lads fighting in slow-motion over their last bottle of blue booze shows in obsessive-compulsive rotation whenever I watch the football. "Have you got a wankered side?" it asks. It's as if they have distilled the character of the British wanker and add a few drops of it to their VATs of idiot juice.
Neil,
Your comments on PUMA are very interesting - particularly interesting to me as you spent most of last year sitting in our reception telling us how wonderful PUMA was and perfect for Good For Nothing. (Which no longer exists....for some reason?) I obviously spent a lot of money on your magazine on the basis of you telling us both magazine and brand worked well together. I'm assuming that if you ever work on another similar title you will not want the advertising money of PUMA????
Let me know your thoughts
Lucy
Don't knock Puma! To totally dismiss someone because of the shoes they're wearing is ridiculous. I bet if Bernhard Willheim or someone suddenly did some limited edition line for Puma you'd be lapping it up.
Where do you stand on Pony, LA Gear and Hi-Tec? Is it not cooler to not feel pressurised by whichever company has got the bigger advertising budget and wear whatever you like?
Your blog is scary. I never knew anyone cared so much about so little.
I like it. Makes me feel quite well adjusted.
Quite right Ms Lucy. Now you get back to work!!!
Mr Boorman,
was Chuang Chou dreaming that he was a butterfly, or was the butterfly dreaming that it was Chuang Chou?
A lot to think about, I agree.
Please forward me your mother's details, as well as her unusually high rates of pay. Our Yohi Yamahototo Chequered Past (tm) range must be ready by the autumn. AT THE LATEST!,
Kind regards,
Rudi Dassler
The Puma funky trainer brand.
Here's some shit brands:
Tiny computers
Seconda
"from the people who bought you Bad Boys'
Barratt Homes
I'll think of some more i'm sure
woo fuck me is that THE Rudi Dassler?
Or is someone taking the piss?
Hey if is Rudi, lose the crappy logo on the side of your shoes, keep it minimal and you're onto a winner..
to the two puma's points, if brands stuck a little closer to reality then they would have guys like you and me pitching them ways to sell more shoes by playing cool to a youth market.
we create the hype that we despise.
it does seem that you are having your cake and eating it too. i guess the good news is that you are less likely to have to put yourself in a ethical quandry with regard to promoting puma again.
on a side note: puma is gay slang for an aggressive hispanic male--at least it is in texas. (call me pumas if you want to try to work that in to an ad campaign. i think we could really tap into a new demographic)
check out 'david' above me's website
class
It is interesting that so much emphasis is put on brands and corporations but few ever comment on more generic things. MUSIC is used as a drug through-out our societies, western and others, and this is very rarely commented on unless to eulogize one or all its forms. For those people, like me, to whom music of any sort is just a background or an occasional amusement or annoyance, it never ceases to amaze how seriously it is taken. There are all these other mysterious tribes who love or loathe bands/groups/music types/labels etc etc etc and fail to see just how manipulated they are: not just by the corporations (EMI etc) but also by their peers, all other types of media, the internet and so on and so on. I like the odd song, or symphony but, really, it's just NOT IMPORTANT.
I think that Samson9dog makes a really good point. In some ways fashion is the least intrusive form of branding. At least you can choose your Pumas. With music, the product is manipulated by the corporate machine in a thousand different ways before it even gets in your ear holes--and when it does it is sold as true revelation rather as a pair of sneakers.
snakes shed their skin every year or so - works for them
always liked the klf - what do you think about them burning a million quid?
thought michael landy's breakdown was NOT very interesting - what about you?
owning labels to a significant extent is not the only way to reach the point of enlightenment you seem to have arrived at, BUT, as it is one way of reaching that enlightenment, why not give your clothes away to others, and help them achieve the same insight as you?
does the fact that a book is being authored undermine the authenticity of what you are doing. where does the desire for publication come from - is it all part and parcel of the YOU that you are actually trying to leave behind?
and heck, why are we all providing free research to this crazy author who's gonna make big bucks from all OUR comments?
ps hello neil - we know you can take it. ;-)
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